As I sit here and prepare to write about this, I feel a tightening in my chest and my pulse begins to race. I’m so medicated that I am feeling the weight of the situation through the fluffy padding of prozac. I wonder if the possibility of heightened suicide risk from meds like these is because you can still clearly see how much things suck, but there’s less paralysis from anxiety and fear. Instead of feeling like I’m in a hurricane in the middle of a panic attack, I feel calm and collected as I think about just how bad things have become, and what an impossible challenge it will be to get where I want to be in life…
Suicidal? Well.. here’s the thing. It’s part of my OCD to obsess over death. Suicide and accidents being the main death obsessions. So it’s on my mind often. But when I’m stressed and feeling hopeless, suicide feels like an eventual inevitability. I’m not feeling so bad that I’m going to be impulsive. I’m not an impulsive person.
Now about medicare..
I went in to see a case worker about my questions, and to turn in my proof of address and all that stuff. Basically it’s this; Being on disability, I pay about $100 per month for my medicare. That leaves my monthly income at right around $652 from ssdi and I make about $30-$150 on top of that from a little side thing I do. That means I get $800 per month on a GOOD month. In order to qualify for help paying my share of the medical bills, I’d have to make under $726 (net) per month!! THAT is what the government considers the POVERTY line! So according to their standards, since I make $800 on a good month, I should be able to pay for my living expenses, bills **PLUS** 20% of meds, 20% of therapy, 20% of psychiatrist, 20% of whatever it takes to fix my foot, 20% of gyno and birth control, and that DOESN’T include dental and my teeth are FUCKED.
I am in NO shape to hold a job! My PLAN was to get more stabilized on meds, focus on therapy and self improvement for a while and then focus on a career.
Now I’m going to have to get some shitty minimum wage job and deal with the stress of that with my unstable OCD and my horrible mood swings and recent suicidal thinking. Dealing with knowing I’m a crappy employee, and that they only have me there because of FMLA and discrimination laws.. Being at a job I hate that makes nesx to nothing while feeling that way is what I THOUGHT I was avoiding by getting approved for disability!! Isn’t that the whole point? I proved I am not currently fit to work, but now I have to get a job to pay medical bills?!
NOT having insurance, I went to a homeless free clinic for my meds, and a low cost therapist. The doc sees hundreds of people I’m sure, and their meds are limited.
I thought that with being on disability and getting medicare, I’d have better doctors and more therapy and more choice of meds… and thats whats been giving me HOPE for YEARS.. HOPE that I”d get better enough to be independent!
BUT NO… NOT TRUE! Now I have to choose from a list of doctors, and hope that they are on a sliding scale fee or willing to make payment arrangements. I’ll have to ask for help for the rest of my life! and I will have to choose from the cheapest generic meds.. the cheapest this the cheapest that.. asking for financial help.
I am so disappointed.
I feel like I’ve reached the end of all the possible help for me.
It makes me feel absolutely hopeless and angry!