I don’t drink alcohol at all, I don’t smoke cigarettes unless I’m doing coke, I do coke 1 to 3 times a year, I smoke weed all day every day, and I take Tramadol usually once or twice per week, maybe more if I’m feeling extra anxiety and weed or my hydroxyzine isn’t helping. So 95% of the time I’m smoking a moderate amount of weed and taking tram on the weekends.
Weed has a tendency to make you loose track of what you’re thinking about. It makes it hard to focus on a particular train of thought for too long, so you can imagine what that can do for obsessive/circular thinking, or when you’re dwelling on things in depression. Weed is very helpful with obsessive disorders and depression. It’s also sometimes helpful for mania, although for some people I can see how it could make it worse, if weed makes you anxious. For me, it calms me down.
So, since my problems are anxiety/panic, depression, mania, and obsessiveness… weed is like one stop shopping to ease all of those things.
Tramadol is a painkiller that can be very addictive if you take it on a regular basis. Its a synthetic opiate. Since it’s so similar to heroin, the withdraws and addiction can be powerful. This isn’t something to take on a regular basis, in my opinion. However, this stuff can take my most horrible panic attacks and quiet it entirely in under an hour. I mean, I was in such a crisis panic that I was suicidal, and I took enough to get high and I was fine in less than an hour. I know a few people who say the same. I’m going to mention here that tram makes me feel a bit manic. I wasn’t sure if I should put that in this paragraph or the downsides below lol.. as you may know, bipolar people sometimes cling to and enjoy mania.. and in small doses i do. so if I can induce mild mania, I will. I get more done that way!
The down side.
I’m a creative person, I love to make all kinds of arts and crafts and I love to write and make videos.. when I’m high all the time it’s very hard to do anything. I think it’s like that for a lot of people. Weed makes my motivation go from a 7/10 to a 2/10. I behave as if I’m depressed, as far as my lifestyle goes.. I don’t clean house enough or do much creative stuff. But it does make me more stable. It’s a bandage, not a solution. I know this.
And tramadol, the down sides are addiction, withdrawl, and inability to keep an erection a lot of the time, or it will make your dick feel numb and your orgasms (male or female), if you have one, will be shorter and much less intense, leaving you feeling frustrated lol.. This is a drug to take once and a while.
The reason I haven’t talked about coke yet is that there is no ‘good’ reason to do it, other than pleasure.. I guess if you take meds that make you drowsy or if you’re depressed often it’s a nice change of pace. But I wouldn’t recommend it because it’s expensive and addictive and you have to deal with shitty people to get it. I just do it once and a while because I like it and thats my choice :)
When I was a little girl, I’d look up at the clouds. I’d be worried and searching.. is it this cloud? Is it that one over there? Is that the size of a mans fist? In church I was told that when Jesus comes, everyone would see a small black cloud that gets brighter as it approaches, so I’d be wondering if maybe it’s close enough to match the other clouds, what size of a cloud should I be looking for if it is the size of a mans fist when black, grows larger and brighter as it approaches? This was one of my first death related obsession.
I wasn’t excited for the second coming, I was fearing for my loved ones who weren’t baptized. I was fearing the fire and torture, the rapture and seeing my mother endure that.
As I sit here and prepare to write about this, I feel a tightening in my chest and my pulse begins to race. I’m so medicated that I am feeling the weight of the situation through the fluffy padding of prozac. I wonder if the possibility of heightened suicide risk from meds like these is because you can still clearly see how much things suck, but there’s less paralysis from anxiety and fear. Instead of feeling like I’m in a hurricane in the middle of a panic attack, I feel calm and collected as I think about just how bad things have become, and what an impossible challenge it will be to get where I want to be in life…
Suicidal? Well.. here’s the thing. It’s part of my OCD to obsess over death. Suicide and accidents being the main death obsessions. So it’s on my mind often. But when I’m stressed and feeling hopeless, suicide feels like an eventual inevitability. I’m not feeling so bad that I’m going to be impulsive. I’m not an impulsive person.
Now about medicare..
I went in to see a case worker about my questions, and to turn in my proof of address and all that stuff. Basically it’s this; Being on disability, I pay about $100 per month for my medicare. That leaves my monthly income at right around $652 from ssdi and I make about $30-$150 on top of that from a little side thing I do. That means I get $800 per month on a GOOD month. In order to qualify for help paying my share of the medical bills, I’d have to make under $726 (net) per month!! THAT is what the government considers the POVERTY line! So according to their standards, since I make $800 on a good month, I should be able to pay for my living expenses, bills **PLUS** 20% of meds, 20% of therapy, 20% of psychiatrist, 20% of whatever it takes to fix my foot, 20% of gyno and birth control, and that DOESN’T include dental and my teeth are FUCKED.
I am in NO shape to hold a job! My PLAN was to get more stabilized on meds, focus on therapy and self improvement for a while and then focus on a career.
Now I’m going to have to get some shitty minimum wage job and deal with the stress of that with my unstable OCD and my horrible mood swings and recent suicidal thinking. Dealing with knowing I’m a crappy employee, and that they only have me there because of FMLA and discrimination laws.. Being at a job I hate that makes nesx to nothing while feeling that way is what I THOUGHT I was avoiding by getting approved for disability!! Isn’t that the whole point? I proved I am not currently fit to work, but now I have to get a job to pay medical bills?!
NOT having insurance, I went to a homeless free clinic for my meds, and a low cost therapist. The doc sees hundreds of people I’m sure, and their meds are limited.
I thought that with being on disability and getting medicare, I’d have better doctors and more therapy and more choice of meds… and thats whats been giving me HOPE for YEARS.. HOPE that I”d get better enough to be independent!
BUT NO… NOT TRUE! Now I have to choose from a list of doctors, and hope that they are on a sliding scale fee or willing to make payment arrangements. I’ll have to ask for help for the rest of my life! and I will have to choose from the cheapest generic meds.. the cheapest this the cheapest that.. asking for financial help.
I am so disappointed.
I feel like I’ve reached the end of all the possible help for me.
It makes me feel absolutely hopeless and angry!
Today I was able to sit and organize all of my questions about medicare. big deal, right? Yeah well I’ve been trying to do that for a couple weeks. Every time the thought would enter my brain I’d be paralyzed with anxiety, sometimes panic. Quick! To the bong! then I’d be really stoned and having less anxiety but still so fucking depressed I’d just take a nap. This has happened every day, minus a day or two. Start thinking about my problems with medicare, the questions I have to ask, then I’d panic, get high and fall asleep. I have them all written down, and I’m ready to get my answers tomorrow when I go to see a case worker.
Basically it’s this; I have to make under $931 monthly to qualify for all my medical stuff to be free or damn near free. Ok so while I’ve been depressed and useless thats fine. I’ve been making under that. The problem is that when I feel good I want to work. I like to work. So I’m going to be making over that $931 for sure. The next level of qualification is you need to make under $1117 and you get a little less help. How much less? I have to ask.
But here’s whats been killing me.. the thing thats kept me on the couch for a couple weeks in a panic, and feeling so fucking hopeless.. lets see if I can talk about it here without freaking out and ruining my day… If I make over $1117 GROSS, suddenly I get no help paying for my share of the medical bills. I’m pretty sure I’d have to pay for the $100 per month for insurance, plus 20% of my therapy, 20% of my psychiatrist, 20% my piles of pills, 20% of regular doctors, 20% on my foot surgery that I need, 20% of hospital if I need that, and on top of that, 20% for the gyno, 20% on EVERYTHING & NO DENTAL. I’m already missing 3 teeth (in the back, thank god) I have a couple cavities that are bothering me and my wisdom teeth are growing in crowded so my jaw opens and closes in a zig-zag motion, and tries to get stuck open when i yawn..
I get $744 per month for being on disability. If I make over $1117, I have to pay 20% of my shit-ton of medical needs. 1117-744=373…
THESE MOTHERFUCKERS THINK I CAN SUDDENLY PAY FOR ALL OF THAT AS SOON AS I MAKE $373 ON TOP OF MY DISABILITY CHECK!!!
Are they FUCKING KIDDING????
I WANT to be an ambitious and successful person GOD DAMN IT!!. I have GOALS and DREAMS and when I feel well, they are well within reach!
But it’s like they are seriously saying, that being ambitious and working hard is LITERALLY working against me!
How am I supposed to have ANY savings?! How am I supposed to work without feelings liked I’m caught in a mudslide?!
I’m going to talk to them about this tomorrow. I hope to god that I’m wrong. That there’s a piece I’m missing about this, because if I’m right… I feel so bad so often that I never get anything done towards my career goals. I’ve always kept hope though, and the things thats stopped me from killing myself was the HOPE that I’d get better once I was on disability and could see doctors more and get more therapy.. but now I see, that if I’m right about all this medicare bullshit, that THEY have put another HUGE roadblock in my way. that roadblock being the many hundreds of dollars in medical bills I’ll have to pay if I ever make over $1117. I’ll have to make under $1117 forever, or suddenly make hundreds and hundreds over that… yeah sure.. let me get right on that.
Here’s my first blog post. I’m going to use this post like a journal entry regarding mental illness. I’ve needed to reevaluate my life, decide what path I’m going to take, accept my condition, and find some faith in myself. These things could be challenging to anyone, not just someone with my diagnosis. Bipolar 1, purely obsessive OCD, anxiety, depression, frequent suicidal thoughts and a tendency to get lost in fantasy to a point where I can be mildly delusional, though it seems like I only become psychotic and delusional when I’m not medicated. my meds are helping with that. But the downside is that I find it hard to clearly recall or describe those psychotic/delusional thoughts/feelings for my Dr. and therapist while I’m medicated. It all feels like recalling a bad dream. my meds are not working good enough for my anxiety. therapy has reveled that my life is entirely run by my anxieties, worries, what-if’s, apprehension, and wasting much of my time lost in obsessive thought. I can account for a fear of failure, but other people feel that, so why does it stop me from trying to achieve the things that are within reach? Maybe because when I fail or get let down I take it too hard. I seem to take everything too hard. Everything seems to be harder for me than for other people. I shouldn’t feel that way.