This beautiful black ladycat is one of my most beloved friends in this world. I can count on one hand the number of people I love, and she is included in with those people.
2007 was the year I was ready to die, and preparing to do so. I had lost my fiance’, who at the time was my everything. He was with a horrible woman who was pregnant with his baby. I had no home, sleeping on a love seat in a friends studio, feeling like I was imposing. I was 1,200+ miles from my family, I was not on meds and I was traveling 2 hours too and from a horrible minimum wage job in cold and heartless Los Angeles..
In a moment of horrible decision making, I decided to go back to my home state to be with my ex-fiance’ and he said he’d leave this girl he was with. Needless to say it was a disaster, and I ended up homeless and alone again, just in a different state.
I ended up spending a month in a homeless shelter with junkies and my roommate overdosing and dying in the bed next to mine. she must have died early in the night because with the heater on high all night, the room stunk of death when I woke up.. It’s not the kind of thing you get over.
I made a seamless transition from homeless shelter to my very first apartment. I had never lived alone before, it was only 300sq ft.
That point was my lowest ever. Moved 1,200+ miles, drama from hell with fiance’s new girlfirend, left my fiance’ of 3.5 years again after uprooting my whole life a 3rd time for him, homelessness and waking up next to a bloated corpse, not one friend to confide in, and I was ready to kill my ex then myself.
Then came this cat…
I saw her on craigslist pet section. This fat old blob of a cat.. her owner wanted to get rid of her after 9 years simply because she wanted dogs instead. What a bitch! I decided that I have to meet this cat.
I took the bus to her house and we walked past her yipping little mutts and I thought to myself, ‘You’re choosing these little rats over a cat you’ve had 9 years?!’.. when we got upstairs we went into the small guest room and the lady said the cat never leaves the room because she doesn’t like the dogs.. well needless to say that pissed me off too.. so she’s been stuck in a little room as long as that lady has had the dogs?! This cat instantly liked me. A very subtle personality she has, but she was sweet right away. I took her right then and the lady gave me a ride home with my new cat.
That was a little over 4 years ago. Before I met my boyfriend, there was a year where it was just me and my cat (I’m withholding her name because it’s unique and I want my blog to be anonymous).
During that year where I had not one friend, she gave me someone to come home too, someone to cuddle, someone to show me love.. and this cat loves me, it’s very obvious lol.. she is just such a bitch to my boyfriend and his cat. She hardly tolerates anyone touching her. But with me, she is my teddy bear. she’s big enough for me to lay my head on her and put one arm under her so I’m hugging her and using her as a pillow at the same time. she purrs when I just say her name, she purrs as soon as I lay my head on her.. she rarely purrs for anyone else. She knows when it’s time to go to bed, and she often gets to the bed and lays on my pillow before me and looks back as if to ask if its cuddle time.. she only hops on my pillow when its my bed time, the rest of the time she sleeps in the middle of the bed. Sometimes she wakes me up to cuddle, and she’ll lay for hours with me when I’m sad. an interesting thing about her is that she never makes eye contact unless shes hungry, wants to cuddle or noticing that I’m sad. she is an amazing cat. She seems like a lack-luster, no personality blob to anyone who doesn’t know her, but her and I know eachother so well that I always know what she wants and how she’s feeling even though she has no voice and never meows, she always knows when I’m ready for bed even though there’s no set time, and she knows just how to lay so I can use her as a pillow.. I call it the cuddle position. and when it’s cuddle time, she always lays like that because she knows :)
She almost died once, 2 years ago. and since then, every day is even more of a blessing. I don’t think she’s going to last more than another year or two because she’s slowing down, and I’m trying to ready myself for that day of anguish when she leaves me, but where will I find another friend like her?
I love her and value her life nearly as much as I value the lives of the people I love. I believe she was just the thing I needed to lift me out of despair. She is part of what kept me from suicide. I wish I could thank her in a way she’d understand…
I don’t drink alcohol at all, I don’t smoke cigarettes unless I’m doing coke, I do coke 1 to 3 times a year, I smoke weed all day every day, and I take Tramadol usually once or twice per week, maybe more if I’m feeling extra anxiety and weed or my hydroxyzine isn’t helping. So 95% of the time I’m smoking a moderate amount of weed and taking tram on the weekends.
Weed has a tendency to make you loose track of what you’re thinking about. It makes it hard to focus on a particular train of thought for too long, so you can imagine what that can do for obsessive/circular thinking, or when you’re dwelling on things in depression. Weed is very helpful with obsessive disorders and depression. It’s also sometimes helpful for mania, although for some people I can see how it could make it worse, if weed makes you anxious. For me, it calms me down.
So, since my problems are anxiety/panic, depression, mania, and obsessiveness… weed is like one stop shopping to ease all of those things.
Tramadol is a painkiller that can be very addictive if you take it on a regular basis. Its a synthetic opiate. Since it’s so similar to heroin, the withdraws and addiction can be powerful. This isn’t something to take on a regular basis, in my opinion. However, this stuff can take my most horrible panic attacks and quiet it entirely in under an hour. I mean, I was in such a crisis panic that I was suicidal, and I took enough to get high and I was fine in less than an hour. I know a few people who say the same. I’m going to mention here that tram makes me feel a bit manic. I wasn’t sure if I should put that in this paragraph or the downsides below lol.. as you may know, bipolar people sometimes cling to and enjoy mania.. and in small doses i do. so if I can induce mild mania, I will. I get more done that way!
The down side.
I’m a creative person, I love to make all kinds of arts and crafts and I love to write and make videos.. when I’m high all the time it’s very hard to do anything. I think it’s like that for a lot of people. Weed makes my motivation go from a 7/10 to a 2/10. I behave as if I’m depressed, as far as my lifestyle goes.. I don’t clean house enough or do much creative stuff. But it does make me more stable. It’s a bandage, not a solution. I know this.
And tramadol, the down sides are addiction, withdrawl, and inability to keep an erection a lot of the time, or it will make your dick feel numb and your orgasms (male or female), if you have one, will be shorter and much less intense, leaving you feeling frustrated lol.. This is a drug to take once and a while.
The reason I haven’t talked about coke yet is that there is no ‘good’ reason to do it, other than pleasure.. I guess if you take meds that make you drowsy or if you’re depressed often it’s a nice change of pace. But I wouldn’t recommend it because it’s expensive and addictive and you have to deal with shitty people to get it. I just do it once and a while because I like it and thats my choice :)
As I sit here and prepare to write about this, I feel a tightening in my chest and my pulse begins to race. I’m so medicated that I am feeling the weight of the situation through the fluffy padding of prozac. I wonder if the possibility of heightened suicide risk from meds like these is because you can still clearly see how much things suck, but there’s less paralysis from anxiety and fear. Instead of feeling like I’m in a hurricane in the middle of a panic attack, I feel calm and collected as I think about just how bad things have become, and what an impossible challenge it will be to get where I want to be in life…
Suicidal? Well.. here’s the thing. It’s part of my OCD to obsess over death. Suicide and accidents being the main death obsessions. So it’s on my mind often. But when I’m stressed and feeling hopeless, suicide feels like an eventual inevitability. I’m not feeling so bad that I’m going to be impulsive. I’m not an impulsive person.
Now about medicare..
I went in to see a case worker about my questions, and to turn in my proof of address and all that stuff. Basically it’s this; Being on disability, I pay about $100 per month for my medicare. That leaves my monthly income at right around $652 from ssdi and I make about $30-$150 on top of that from a little side thing I do. That means I get $800 per month on a GOOD month. In order to qualify for help paying my share of the medical bills, I’d have to make under $726 (net) per month!! THAT is what the government considers the POVERTY line! So according to their standards, since I make $800 on a good month, I should be able to pay for my living expenses, bills **PLUS** 20% of meds, 20% of therapy, 20% of psychiatrist, 20% of whatever it takes to fix my foot, 20% of gyno and birth control, and that DOESN’T include dental and my teeth are FUCKED.
I am in NO shape to hold a job! My PLAN was to get more stabilized on meds, focus on therapy and self improvement for a while and then focus on a career.
Now I’m going to have to get some shitty minimum wage job and deal with the stress of that with my unstable OCD and my horrible mood swings and recent suicidal thinking. Dealing with knowing I’m a crappy employee, and that they only have me there because of FMLA and discrimination laws.. Being at a job I hate that makes nesx to nothing while feeling that way is what I THOUGHT I was avoiding by getting approved for disability!! Isn’t that the whole point? I proved I am not currently fit to work, but now I have to get a job to pay medical bills?!
NOT having insurance, I went to a homeless free clinic for my meds, and a low cost therapist. The doc sees hundreds of people I’m sure, and their meds are limited.
I thought that with being on disability and getting medicare, I’d have better doctors and more therapy and more choice of meds… and thats whats been giving me HOPE for YEARS.. HOPE that I”d get better enough to be independent!
BUT NO… NOT TRUE! Now I have to choose from a list of doctors, and hope that they are on a sliding scale fee or willing to make payment arrangements. I’ll have to ask for help for the rest of my life! and I will have to choose from the cheapest generic meds.. the cheapest this the cheapest that.. asking for financial help.
I am so disappointed.
I feel like I’ve reached the end of all the possible help for me.
It makes me feel absolutely hopeless and angry!
I made this for myself when I was feeling good, to help myself when I’m feeling really down.. I wanted to share it. I hope it helps someone. I don’t like sappy things, I like realistic things. So thats what I was going for :)
Today I was able to sit and organize all of my questions about medicare. big deal, right? Yeah well I’ve been trying to do that for a couple weeks. Every time the thought would enter my brain I’d be paralyzed with anxiety, sometimes panic. Quick! To the bong! then I’d be really stoned and having less anxiety but still so fucking depressed I’d just take a nap. This has happened every day, minus a day or two. Start thinking about my problems with medicare, the questions I have to ask, then I’d panic, get high and fall asleep. I have them all written down, and I’m ready to get my answers tomorrow when I go to see a case worker.
Basically it’s this; I have to make under $931 monthly to qualify for all my medical stuff to be free or damn near free. Ok so while I’ve been depressed and useless thats fine. I’ve been making under that. The problem is that when I feel good I want to work. I like to work. So I’m going to be making over that $931 for sure. The next level of qualification is you need to make under $1117 and you get a little less help. How much less? I have to ask.
But here’s whats been killing me.. the thing thats kept me on the couch for a couple weeks in a panic, and feeling so fucking hopeless.. lets see if I can talk about it here without freaking out and ruining my day… If I make over $1117 GROSS, suddenly I get no help paying for my share of the medical bills. I’m pretty sure I’d have to pay for the $100 per month for insurance, plus 20% of my therapy, 20% of my psychiatrist, 20% my piles of pills, 20% of regular doctors, 20% on my foot surgery that I need, 20% of hospital if I need that, and on top of that, 20% for the gyno, 20% on EVERYTHING & NO DENTAL. I’m already missing 3 teeth (in the back, thank god) I have a couple cavities that are bothering me and my wisdom teeth are growing in crowded so my jaw opens and closes in a zig-zag motion, and tries to get stuck open when i yawn..
I get $744 per month for being on disability. If I make over $1117, I have to pay 20% of my shit-ton of medical needs. 1117-744=373…
THESE MOTHERFUCKERS THINK I CAN SUDDENLY PAY FOR ALL OF THAT AS SOON AS I MAKE $373 ON TOP OF MY DISABILITY CHECK!!!
Are they FUCKING KIDDING????
I WANT to be an ambitious and successful person GOD DAMN IT!!. I have GOALS and DREAMS and when I feel well, they are well within reach!
But it’s like they are seriously saying, that being ambitious and working hard is LITERALLY working against me!
How am I supposed to have ANY savings?! How am I supposed to work without feelings liked I’m caught in a mudslide?!
I’m going to talk to them about this tomorrow. I hope to god that I’m wrong. That there’s a piece I’m missing about this, because if I’m right… I feel so bad so often that I never get anything done towards my career goals. I’ve always kept hope though, and the things thats stopped me from killing myself was the HOPE that I’d get better once I was on disability and could see doctors more and get more therapy.. but now I see, that if I’m right about all this medicare bullshit, that THEY have put another HUGE roadblock in my way. that roadblock being the many hundreds of dollars in medical bills I’ll have to pay if I ever make over $1117. I’ll have to make under $1117 forever, or suddenly make hundreds and hundreds over that… yeah sure.. let me get right on that.