Medicare Panic (pt.2)…and a bit about meds

As I sit here and prepare to write about this, I feel a tightening in my chest and my pulse begins to race. I’m so medicated that I am feeling the weight of the situation through the fluffy padding of prozac. I wonder if the possibility of heightened suicide risk from meds like these is because you can still clearly see how much things suck, but there’s less paralysis from anxiety and fear. Instead of feeling like I’m in a hurricane in the middle of a panic attack, I feel calm and collected as I think about just how bad things have become, and what an impossible challenge it will be to get where I want to be in life…

Suicidal? Well.. here’s the thing. It’s part of my OCD to obsess over death. Suicide and accidents being the main death obsessions. So it’s on my mind often. But when I’m stressed and feeling hopeless, suicide feels like an eventual inevitability. I’m not feeling so bad that I’m going to be impulsive. I’m not an impulsive person.

Now about medicare..

I went in to see a case worker about my questions, and to turn in my proof of address and all that stuff. Basically it’s this; Being on disability, I pay about $100 per month for my medicare. That leaves my monthly income at right around $652 from ssdi and I make about $30-$150 on top of that from a little side thing I do. That means I get $800 per month on a GOOD month. In order to qualify for help paying my share of the medical bills, I’d have to make under $726 (net)  per month!! THAT is what the government considers the POVERTY line! So according to their standards, since I make $800 on a good month, I should be able to pay for my living expenses, bills **PLUS** 20% of meds, 20% of therapy, 20% of psychiatrist, 20% of whatever it takes to fix my foot, 20% of gyno and birth control, and that DOESN’T include dental and my teeth are FUCKED.

I am in NO shape to hold a job! My PLAN was to get more stabilized on meds, focus on therapy and self improvement for a while and then focus on a career.

Now I’m going to have to get some shitty minimum wage job and deal with the stress of that with my unstable OCD and my horrible mood swings and recent suicidal thinking. Dealing with knowing I’m a crappy employee, and that they only have me there because of FMLA and discrimination laws.. Being at a job I hate that makes nesx to nothing while feeling that way is what I THOUGHT I was avoiding by getting approved for disability!! Isn’t that the whole point? I proved I am not currently fit to work, but now I have to get a job to pay medical bills?!

NOT having insurance, I went to a homeless free clinic for my meds, and a low cost therapist. The doc sees hundreds of people I’m sure, and their meds are limited.

I thought that with being on disability and getting medicare, I’d have better doctors and more therapy and more choice of meds… and thats whats been giving me HOPE for YEARS.. HOPE that I”d get better enough to be independent!

BUT NO… NOT TRUE! Now I have to choose from a list of doctors, and hope that they are on a sliding scale fee or willing to make payment arrangements. I’ll have to ask for help for the rest of my life! and I will have to choose from the cheapest generic meds.. the cheapest this the cheapest that.. asking for financial help.

I am so disappointed.

I feel like I’ve reached  the end of all the possible help for me.

It makes me feel absolutely hopeless and angry!


From one depressed person to another…


I made this for myself when I was feeling good, to help myself when I’m feeling really down.. I wanted to share it. I hope it helps someone. I don’t like sappy things, I like realistic things. So thats what I was going for :)


Prozac for anxiety or panic (a review)

I’ve been on a low dose of prozac and still having anxiety and panic. but I upped my dose just a little bit and now the anxiety and panic has gone from an  8/10 on the misery scale to a 2/10. If you have anxiety and panic, maybe you could give it a shot.  this med started working in a week for me, and it’s working even better after about 2 weeks. The only side effects I feel are slightly blunted emotional reaction. But i always have a tenancy to over react, so perhaps what seems blunted to me, is just the more ‘normal’ way to be.. At any rate, I’m happier and dealing with stress better.

If you’re bipolar like me, it’s important to know that too much prozac can make you manic. it almost certainly will. so keep that in mind :) Turns out 10mg isn’t enough, 30mg makes me so manic i become unstable, but 20mg is just right for me.

Human animal

“See how it whirls in confusion, perceiving an impermeable barrier where none exists, casting pathetic pleading glances towards its master and tormentor. It does not occur to this broken beast to test the limits of its prison; the ability to question its environment and seek a solution has been bred out of it”



I hate christmas

Too poor to spoil my loved ones.. apartment is too small to host and my family doesn’t get together so here comes yet another holiday where I feel out of place and sad with a family that I don’t dislike, but feel very awkward around. 

I hate being around people who just talk crap behind each others backs. I don’t need to know about the failing marriage, you do not need to remind everyone over and over about the person who was abused, you don’t need to YELL every conversation, you don’t have to sit and think of things to say to me.. I’m fine with a ‘hello how are you’ and whatever comes natural.. 

 I miss my family get togethers. No pressure to catch up with every person, no fake enthusiasm. It was nice to just be. Just be.

Every holiday get together feels like i’m going to church when I go to my boyfriends families house. Every one is nice to me, but all I see is fake enthusiasm, eye rolling behind eachothers backs, tension and LOOOUD conversations.

Whats up with people who can’t just hang out and relax? everyone brings a dish, put on some music and chill.. it’s not hard guys!

Medicare panic

Today I was able to sit and organize all of my questions about medicare. big deal, right? Yeah well I’ve been trying to do that for a couple weeks. Every time the thought would enter my brain I’d be paralyzed with anxiety, sometimes panic. Quick! To the bong! then I’d be really stoned and having less anxiety but still so fucking depressed I’d just take a nap. This has happened every day, minus a day or two. Start thinking about my problems with medicare, the questions I have to ask, then I’d panic, get high and fall asleep.  I have them all written down, and I’m ready to get my answers tomorrow when I go to see a case worker.

Basically it’s this; I have to make under $931 monthly to qualify for all my medical stuff to be free or damn near free. Ok so while I’ve been depressed and useless thats fine. I’ve been making under that. The problem is that when I feel good I want to work. I like to work. So I’m going to be making over that $931 for sure. The next level of qualification is you need to make under $1117 and you get a little less help. How much less? I have to ask.

But here’s whats been killing me.. the thing thats kept me on the couch for a couple weeks in a panic, and feeling so fucking hopeless.. lets see if I can talk about it here without freaking out and ruining my day… If I make over $1117 GROSS, suddenly I get no help paying for my share of the medical bills. I’m pretty sure I’d have to pay for the $100 per month for insurance, plus 20% of my therapy, 20% of my psychiatrist, 20% my piles of pills, 20% of regular doctors, 20% on my foot surgery that I need, 20% of hospital if I need that, and on top of that, 20% for the gyno, 20% on EVERYTHING & NO DENTAL. I’m already missing 3 teeth (in the back, thank god) I have a couple cavities that are bothering me and my wisdom teeth are growing in crowded so my jaw opens and closes in a zig-zag motion, and tries to get stuck open when i yawn..

I get $744 per month for being on disability. If I make over $1117, I have to pay 20% of my shit-ton of medical needs. 1117-744=373…



I WANT to be an ambitious and successful person GOD DAMN IT!!. I have GOALS and DREAMS and when I feel well, they are well within reach!

But it’s like they are seriously saying, that being ambitious and working hard is LITERALLY working against me!

How am I supposed to have ANY savings?! How am I supposed to work without feelings liked I’m caught in a mudslide?!

I’m going to talk to them about this tomorrow. I hope to god that I’m wrong. That there’s a piece I’m missing about this, because if I’m right… I feel so bad so often that I never get anything done towards my career goals. I’ve always kept hope though, and the things thats stopped me from killing myself was the HOPE that I’d get better once I was on disability and could see doctors more and get more therapy.. but now I see, that if I’m right about all this medicare bullshit, that THEY have put another HUGE roadblock in my way. that roadblock being the many hundreds of dollars in medical bills I’ll have to pay if I ever make over $1117. I’ll have to make under $1117 forever, or suddenly make hundreds and hundreds over that… yeah sure.. let me get right on that.