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Cherishing the last years with my beloved friend.

cherie1

This beautiful black ladycat is one of my most beloved friends in this world. I can count on one hand the number of people I love, and she is included in with those people.

2007 was the year I was ready to die, and preparing to do so. I had lost my fiance’, who at the time was my everything. He was with a horrible woman who was pregnant with his baby. I had no home, sleeping on a love seat in a friends studio, feeling like I was imposing. I was 1,200+ miles from my family, I was not on meds and I was traveling 2 hours too and from a horrible minimum wage job in cold and heartless Los Angeles..

In a moment of horrible decision making, I decided to go back to my home state to be with my ex-fiance’ and he said he’d leave this girl he was with. Needless to say it was a disaster, and I ended up homeless and alone again, just in a different state.

I ended up spending a month in a homeless shelter with junkies and my roommate overdosing and dying in the bed next to mine. she must have died early in the night because with the heater on high all night, the room stunk of death when I woke up.. It’s not the kind of thing you get over.

I made a seamless transition from homeless shelter to my very first apartment. I had never lived alone before, it was only 300sq ft.

That point was my lowest ever. Moved 1,200+ miles, drama from hell with fiance’s new girlfirend, left my fiance’ of 3.5 years again after uprooting my whole life a 3rd time for him, homelessness and waking up next to a bloated corpse, not one friend to confide in, and I was ready to kill my ex then myself.

Then came this cat…

I saw her on craigslist pet section. This fat old blob of a cat.. her owner wanted to get rid of her after 9 years simply because she wanted dogs instead. What a bitch! I decided that I have to meet this cat.

I took the bus to her house and we walked past her yipping little mutts and I thought to myself, ‘You’re choosing these little rats over a cat you’ve had 9 years?!’.. when we got upstairs we went into the small guest room and the lady said the cat never leaves the room because she doesn’t like the dogs.. well needless to say that pissed me off too.. so she’s been stuck in a little room as long as that lady has had the dogs?! This cat instantly liked me. A very subtle personality she has, but she was sweet right away. I took her right then and the lady gave me a ride home with my new cat.

That was a little over 4 years ago. Before I met my boyfriend, there was a year where it was just me and my cat (I’m withholding her name because it’s unique and I want my blog to be anonymous).

During that year where I had not one friend, she gave me someone to come home too, someone to cuddle, someone to show me love.. and this cat loves me, it’s very obvious lol.. she is just such a bitch to my boyfriend and his cat. She hardly tolerates anyone touching her. But with me, she is my teddy bear. she’s big enough for me to lay my head on her and put one arm under her so I’m hugging her and using her as a pillow at the same time. she purrs when I just say her name, she purrs as soon as I lay my head on her.. she rarely purrs for anyone else. She knows when it’s time to go to bed, and she often gets to the bed and lays on my pillow before me and looks back as if to ask if its cuddle time.. she only hops on my pillow when its my bed time, the rest of the time she sleeps in the middle of the bed. Sometimes she wakes me up to cuddle, and she’ll lay for hours with me when I’m sad. an interesting thing about her is that she never makes eye contact unless shes hungry, wants to cuddle or noticing that I’m sad. she is an amazing cat. She seems like a lack-luster, no personality blob to anyone who doesn’t know her, but her and I know eachother so well that I always know what she wants and how she’s feeling even though she has no voice and never meows, she always knows when I’m ready for bed even though there’s no set time, and she knows just how to lay so I can use her as a pillow.. I call it the cuddle position. and when it’s cuddle time, she always lays like that because she knows :)

She almost died once, 2 years ago. and since then, every day is even more of a blessing. I don’t think she’s going to last more than another year or two because she’s slowing down, and I’m trying to ready myself for that day of anguish when she leaves me, but where will I find another friend like her?

I love her and value her life nearly as much as I value the lives of the people I love. I believe she was just the thing I needed to lift me out of despair. She is part of what kept me from suicide. I wish I could thank her in a way she’d understand…

Getting high. Here’s a look at the details of what and why

I don’t drink alcohol at all, I don’t smoke cigarettes unless I’m doing coke, I do coke 1 to 3 times a year, I smoke weed all day every day, and I take Tramadol usually once or twice per week, maybe more if I’m feeling extra anxiety and weed or my hydroxyzine isn’t helping. So 95% of the time I’m smoking a moderate amount of weed and taking tram on the weekends.

Weed has a tendency to make you loose track of what you’re thinking about. It makes it hard to focus on a particular train of thought for too long, so you can imagine what that can do for obsessive/circular thinking, or when you’re dwelling on things in depression. Weed is very helpful with obsessive disorders and depression. It’s also sometimes helpful for mania, although for some people I can see how it could make it worse, if weed makes you anxious. For me, it calms me down.

So, since my problems are anxiety/panic, depression, mania, and obsessiveness… weed is like one stop shopping to ease all of those things.

Tramadol is a painkiller that can be very addictive if you take it on a regular basis. Its a synthetic opiate. Since it’s so similar to heroin, the withdraws and addiction can be powerful. This isn’t something to take on a regular basis, in my opinion. However, this stuff can take my most horrible panic attacks and quiet it entirely in under an hour. I mean, I was in such a crisis panic that I was suicidal, and I took enough to get high and I was fine in less than an hour. I know a few people who say the same. I’m going to mention here that tram makes me feel a bit manic. I wasn’t sure if I should put that in this paragraph or the downsides below lol.. as you may know, bipolar people sometimes cling to and enjoy mania.. and in small doses i do. so if I can induce mild mania, I will. I get more done that way!

The down side.

I’m a creative person, I love to make all kinds of arts and crafts and I love to write and make videos.. when I’m high all the time it’s very hard to do anything. I think it’s like that for a lot of people. Weed makes my motivation go from a 7/10 to a 2/10. I behave as if I’m depressed, as far as my lifestyle goes.. I don’t clean house enough or do much creative stuff. But it does make me more stable. It’s a bandage, not a solution. I know this.

And tramadol, the down sides are addiction, withdrawl, and inability to keep an erection a lot of the time, or it will make your dick feel numb and your orgasms  (male or female), if you have one, will be shorter and much less intense, leaving you feeling frustrated lol.. This is a drug to take once and a while.

The reason I haven’t talked about coke yet is that there is no ‘good’ reason to do it, other than pleasure.. I guess if you take meds that make you drowsy or if you’re depressed often it’s a nice change of pace. But I wouldn’t recommend it because it’s expensive and addictive and you have to deal with shitty people to get it. I just do it once and a while because I like it and thats my choice :)

A small black cloud, the size of a mans fist

When I was a little girl, I’d look up at the clouds. I’d be worried and searching.. is it this cloud? Is it that one over there? Is that the size of a mans fist? In church I was told that when Jesus comes, everyone would see a small black cloud that gets brighter as it approaches,  so I’d be wondering if maybe it’s close enough to match the other clouds, what size of a cloud should I be looking for if it is the size of a mans fist when black, grows larger and brighter as it approaches? This was one of my first death related obsession.

I wasn’t excited for the second coming, I was fearing for my loved ones who weren’t baptized. I was fearing the fire and torture, the rapture and seeing my mother endure that.

Human animal

“See how it whirls in confusion, perceiving an impermeable barrier where none exists, casting pathetic pleading glances towards its master and tormentor. It does not occur to this broken beast to test the limits of its prison; the ability to question its environment and seek a solution has been bred out of it”

 

-Unknown

I hate christmas

Too poor to spoil my loved ones.. apartment is too small to host and my family doesn’t get together so here comes yet another holiday where I feel out of place and sad with a family that I don’t dislike, but feel very awkward around. 

I hate being around people who just talk crap behind each others backs. I don’t need to know about the failing marriage, you do not need to remind everyone over and over about the person who was abused, you don’t need to YELL every conversation, you don’t have to sit and think of things to say to me.. I’m fine with a ‘hello how are you’ and whatever comes natural.. 

 I miss my family get togethers. No pressure to catch up with every person, no fake enthusiasm. It was nice to just be. Just be.

Every holiday get together feels like i’m going to church when I go to my boyfriends families house. Every one is nice to me, but all I see is fake enthusiasm, eye rolling behind eachothers backs, tension and LOOOUD conversations.

Whats up with people who can’t just hang out and relax? everyone brings a dish, put on some music and chill.. it’s not hard guys!