Today I was able to sit and organize all of my questions about medicare. big deal, right? Yeah well I’ve been trying to do that for a couple weeks. Every time the thought would enter my brain I’d be paralyzed with anxiety, sometimes panic. Quick! To the bong! then I’d be really stoned and having less anxiety but still so fucking depressed I’d just take a nap. This has happened every day, minus a day or two. Start thinking about my problems with medicare, the questions I have to ask, then I’d panic, get high and fall asleep. I have them all written down, and I’m ready to get my answers tomorrow when I go to see a case worker.
Basically it’s this; I have to make under $931 monthly to qualify for all my medical stuff to be free or damn near free. Ok so while I’ve been depressed and useless thats fine. I’ve been making under that. The problem is that when I feel good I want to work. I like to work. So I’m going to be making over that $931 for sure. The next level of qualification is you need to make under $1117 and you get a little less help. How much less? I have to ask.
But here’s whats been killing me.. the thing thats kept me on the couch for a couple weeks in a panic, and feeling so fucking hopeless.. lets see if I can talk about it here without freaking out and ruining my day… If I make over $1117 GROSS, suddenly I get no help paying for my share of the medical bills. I’m pretty sure I’d have to pay for the $100 per month for insurance, plus 20% of my therapy, 20% of my psychiatrist, 20% my piles of pills, 20% of regular doctors, 20% on my foot surgery that I need, 20% of hospital if I need that, and on top of that, 20% for the gyno, 20% on EVERYTHING & NO DENTAL. I’m already missing 3 teeth (in the back, thank god) I have a couple cavities that are bothering me and my wisdom teeth are growing in crowded so my jaw opens and closes in a zig-zag motion, and tries to get stuck open when i yawn..
I get $744 per month for being on disability. If I make over $1117, I have to pay 20% of my shit-ton of medical needs. 1117-744=373…
THESE MOTHERFUCKERS THINK I CAN SUDDENLY PAY FOR ALL OF THAT AS SOON AS I MAKE $373 ON TOP OF MY DISABILITY CHECK!!!
Are they FUCKING KIDDING????
I WANT to be an ambitious and successful person GOD DAMN IT!!. I have GOALS and DREAMS and when I feel well, they are well within reach!
But it’s like they are seriously saying, that being ambitious and working hard is LITERALLY working against me!
How am I supposed to have ANY savings?! How am I supposed to work without feelings liked I’m caught in a mudslide?!
I’m going to talk to them about this tomorrow. I hope to god that I’m wrong. That there’s a piece I’m missing about this, because if I’m right… I feel so bad so often that I never get anything done towards my career goals. I’ve always kept hope though, and the things thats stopped me from killing myself was the HOPE that I’d get better once I was on disability and could see doctors more and get more therapy.. but now I see, that if I’m right about all this medicare bullshit, that THEY have put another HUGE roadblock in my way. that roadblock being the many hundreds of dollars in medical bills I’ll have to pay if I ever make over $1117. I’ll have to make under $1117 forever, or suddenly make hundreds and hundreds over that… yeah sure.. let me get right on that.